INT. APARTMENT - MIDDAY RAY and ANDY are lounging around in the living room. RAY is sprawled on the sofa, while ANDY is playing video games. None of them are looking particularly productive, nor do they look like they’ve showered today. A few semi-empty chinese food containers lie about absent-mindedly. That is to say nothing about the beer bottles. Suddenly, from the doorway, we see three flashes of light accompanied by the sound of thunder. Some begins pouring into the living room from the hallway. In stumbles a ragged man, in a panic. The guys seem unfazed. FUTURE GARTH Guys! I’m glad you’re here! I’ve come back from 5 years in the future to warn you! This is FUTURE GARTH who sports a bald head and a bushy beard. He has a large scar across his left hand and his clothes are ragged. Most notably, he is wearing an eyepatch. FUTURE GARTH (CONT.) Something terrible s going to happen in 2018 and you need to stop it! RAY looks up. RAY Huh? FUTURE GARTH Something terrible is going- weren’t you listening? RAY Not really. I’m pretty drunk. FUTURE GARTH Jesus Christ. FUTURE GARTH takes a look around and a sad realization dawns on him. FUTURE GARTH Oh god. I went too far back. You guys are still assholes. ANDY Hey, shut up. I’m kicking this guy’s ass in Madden.
FUTURE GARTH (ANGRY) Madden?!? MADDE- GET A JOB. (beat) You guys better stop screwing around because some serious shit is about to go down and if you’re not ready- RAY Hey, I don’t come back into YOUR timeline and tell you how to live YOUR life. FUTURE GARTH Shut up, you idiot. You’re the first one who dies. ANDY (STILL PLAYING) If you really are from the future, prove it. What am I going to do in the next 20 minutes? FUTURE GARTH You’re gonna eat like 2 donuts and throw up because they don’t mix with the Chinese food. ANDY Whoa. How’d you know about the Chinese Food? FUTURE GARTH picks up a container. FUTURE GARTH Because you’re LIVING in it. Haven’t you heard of a garbage can? The door slams from off-screen. In walks PRESENT GARTH as we 'know him'. His hand is bandaged, This is the same hand on which FUTURE Garth bears his scar. PRESENT GARTH starts taking off his jacket. PRESENT GARTH Hey. What’s- PRESENT GARTH finally notices his older, surlier doppelganger across the room. PRESENT GARTH Well, this is new. FUTURE GARTH Oh thank God. Past Me! Someone who will listen!
RAY He says he’s you from the future and he has some dire warning about things to come...yadda yadda yadda. I didn’t get down all the details. PRESENT GARTH Well, that’s...interesting. FUTURE GARTH We have a lot to discuss. These assholes wouldn’t give me the time of day. (noticing PRESENT Garth’s wound) Make sure to get that on ice soon. Don’t worry. I won’t tell them how you got it. (beat) Anyway, sit down. The two GARTHS sit across from one another and FUTURE GARTH begins his spiel. FUTURE GARTH In 2018, something terrible happens that will affect you all... The dialogue fades out and we are treated to FUTURE GARTH explaining things to come with exaggerated hand motions accompanied by audio of explosions, gunfire and robotic noises. They display a weird and terrifying future. All the while, PRESENT GARTH is listening intently. At the trailing end of the speech, the audio resumes. FUTURE GARTH ...and that’s why I came back to enlist your help. PRESENT GARTH ...uh....huh. FUTURE GARTH I know. It’s a lot to take in. So feel free to ask me questions if you’re confused. A beat passes. PRESENT GARTH ...when did I get so fat? FUTURE GARTH What.
PRESENT GARTH You’re fatter than I expected. I was hoping for a kind of Tommy Tune-like physique as I got older. FUTURE GARTH (ANGRY) That’s what you’re concerned about?!? MY WEIGHT? Not the nukes or the genetically engineered hellbeasts? (gestures wildly at his face) Not THE EYE?!? PRESENT GARTH To be honest, I wasn’t really paying attention. Was it those rainbow cookies? I bet it was the rainbow cookies. I love those fuckin things. FUTURE GARTH glares angrily at his past. Unfazed, PRESENT GARTH puts his hand on FUTURE GARTH’S knee. PRESENT GARTH I’m also a little aroused. (beat) Is that weird? FUTURE Garth throws up his hands in defeat. FUTURE GARTH That’s it! I’m sick of this shit. You can all go to hell! Before he departs, FUTURE GARTH stares at PRESENT GARTH and points from his remaining eye to PRESENT GARTH’s two good ones as he slowly backs out of the room. FUTURE GARTH Enjoy your depth perception, jackass. ...he runs into the door jamb. FUTURE GARTH Oh, mother fu-RRGH. FUTURE Garth angrily exits the room. RAY See you later! FUTURE GARTH (O.S.) Fuck you!
Another three light bursts and he’s gone. The smoke dissipates. A beat passes. PRESENT GARTH What an asshole. END.