Crisis On Infinite Garths

INT. APARTMENT - MIDDAY                                          
                                                                           
          RAY and ANDY are lounging around in the living room. RAY is      
          sprawled on the sofa, while ANDY is playing video games.         
          None of them are looking particularly productive, nor do         
          they look like they’ve showered today. A few semi-empty          
          chinese food containers lie about absent-mindedly. That is       
          to say nothing about the beer bottles. Suddenly, from the        
          doorway, we see three flashes of light accompanied by the        
          sound of thunder. Some begins pouring into the living room       
          from the hallway. In stumbles a ragged man, in a panic. The      
          guys seem unfazed.                                               
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    Guys! I’m glad you’re here! I’ve                       
                    come back from 5 years in the                          
                    future to warn you!                                    
                                                                           
          This is FUTURE GARTH who sports a bald head and a bushy          
          beard. He has a large scar across his left hand and his          
          clothes are ragged. Most notably, he is wearing an eyepatch.     
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH (CONT.)                         
                    Something terrible s going to                          
                    happen in 2018 and you need to stop                    
                    it!                                                    
                                                                           
          RAY looks up.                                                    
                                                                           
                              RAY                                          
                    Huh?                                                   
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    Something terrible is going-                           
                    weren’t you listening?                                 
                                                                           
                              RAY                                          
                    Not really. I’m pretty drunk.                          
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    Jesus Christ.                                          
                                                                           
          FUTURE GARTH takes a look around and a sad realization dawns     
          on him.                                                          
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    Oh god. I went too far back. You                       
                    guys are still assholes.                               
                                                                           
                              ANDY                                         
                    Hey, shut up. I’m kicking this                         
                    guy’s ass in Madden.
                              FUTURE GARTH (ANGRY)                         
                    Madden?!? MADDE- GET A JOB. (beat)                     
                    You guys better stop screwing                          
                    around because some serious shit is                    
                    about to go down and if you’re not                     
                    ready-                                                 
                                                                           
                              RAY                                          
                    Hey, I don’t come back into YOUR                       
                    timeline and tell you how to live                      
                    YOUR life.                                             
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    Shut up, you idiot. You’re the                         
                    first one who dies.                                    
                                                                           
                              ANDY (STILL PLAYING)                         
                    If you really are from the future,                     
                    prove it. What am I going to do in                     
                    the next 20 minutes?                                   
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    You’re gonna eat like 2 donuts and                     
                    throw up because they don’t mix                        
                    with the Chinese food.                                 
                                                                           
                              ANDY                                         
                    Whoa. How’d you know about the                         
                    Chinese Food?                                          
                                                                           
          FUTURE GARTH picks up a container.                               
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    Because you’re LIVING in it.                           
                    Haven’t you heard of a garbage can?                    
                                                                           
          The door slams from off-screen. In walks PRESENT GARTH as we     
          'know him'. His hand is bandaged, This is the same hand on         
          which FUTURE Garth bears his scar. PRESENT GARTH starts          
          taking off his jacket.                                           
                                                                           
                              PRESENT GARTH                                
                    Hey. What’s-                                           
                                                                           
          PRESENT GARTH finally notices his older, surlier                 
          doppelganger across the room.                                    
                                                                           
                              PRESENT GARTH                                
                    Well, this is new.                                      
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    Oh thank God. Past Me!                           
                    Someone who will listen!
                              RAY                                          
                    He says he’s you from the future                       
                    and he has some dire warning about                     
                    things to come...yadda yadda yadda.                    
                    I didn’t get down all the details.                     
                                                                           
                              PRESENT GARTH                                
                    Well, that’s...interesting.                            
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    We have a lot to discuss. These                        
                    assholes wouldn’t give me the time                     
                    of day. (noticing PRESENT Garth’s                      
                    wound) Make sure to get that on ice                    
                    soon. Don’t worry. I won’t tell                        
                    them how you got it. (beat) Anyway,                    
                    sit down.                                              
                                                                           
          The two GARTHS sit across from one another and FUTURE GARTH      
          begins his spiel.                                                
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    In 2018, something terrible happens                    
                    that will affect you all...                            
                                                                           
          The dialogue fades out and we are treated to FUTURE GARTH        
          explaining things to come with exaggerated hand motions          
          accompanied by audio of explosions, gunfire and robotic          
          noises. They display a weird and terrifying future. All the      
          while, PRESENT GARTH is listening intently. At the trailing      
          end of the speech, the audio resumes.                            
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    ...and that’s why I came back to                       
                    enlist your help.                                      
                                                                           
                              PRESENT GARTH                                
                    ...uh....huh.                                          
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    I know. It’s a lot to take in. So                      
                    feel free to ask me questions if                       
                    you’re confused.                                       
                                                                           
          A beat passes.                                                   
                                                                           
                              PRESENT GARTH                                
                    ...when did I get so fat?                              
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    What.
                                                                           
                              PRESENT GARTH                                
                    You’re fatter than I expected. I                       
                    was hoping for a kind of Tommy                         
                    Tune-like physique as I got older.                     
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH (ANGRY)                         
                    That’s what you’re concerned                           
                    about?!? MY WEIGHT? Not the nukes                      
                    or the genetically engineered                          
                    hellbeasts? (gestures wildly at his                    
                    face) Not THE EYE?!?                                   
                                                                           
                              PRESENT GARTH                                
                    To be honest, I wasn’t really                          
                    paying attention. Was it those                         
                    rainbow cookies? I bet it was the                      
                    rainbow cookies. I love those                          
                    fuckin things.                                         
                                                                           
          FUTURE GARTH glares angrily at his past. Unfazed, PRESENT        
          GARTH puts his hand on FUTURE GARTH’S knee.                      
                                                                           
                              PRESENT GARTH                                
                    I’m also a little aroused. (beat)                      
                    Is that weird?                                         
                                                                           
          FUTURE Garth throws up his hands in defeat.                      
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    That’s it! I’m sick of this shit.                      
                    You can all go to hell!                                
                                                                           
          Before he departs, FUTURE GARTH stares at PRESENT GARTH and      
          points from his remaining eye to PRESENT GARTH’s two good        
          ones as he slowly backs out of the room.                         
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    Enjoy your depth perception,                           
                    jackass.                                               
                                                                           
          ...he runs into the door jamb.                                   
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH                                 
                    Oh, mother fu-RRGH.                                    
                                                                           
          FUTURE Garth angrily exits the room.                             
                                                                           
                              RAY                                          
                    See you later!                                         
                                                                           
                              FUTURE GARTH (O.S.)                          
                    Fuck you!
          Another three light bursts and he’s gone. The smoke              
          dissipates. A beat passes.                                       
                                                                           
                              PRESENT GARTH                                
                    What an asshole.                               
                                                                           
          END.
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