INT. APARTMENT - MIDDAY
RAY and ANDY are lounging around in the living room. RAY is
sprawled on the sofa, while ANDY is playing video games.
None of them are looking particularly productive, nor do
they look like they’ve showered today. A few semi-empty
chinese food containers lie about absent-mindedly. That is
to say nothing about the beer bottles. Suddenly, from the
doorway, we see three flashes of light accompanied by the
sound of thunder. Some begins pouring into the living room
from the hallway. In stumbles a ragged man, in a panic. The
guys seem unfazed.
FUTURE GARTH
Guys! I’m glad you’re here! I’ve
come back from 5 years in the
future to warn you!
This is FUTURE GARTH who sports a bald head and a bushy
beard. He has a large scar across his left hand and his
clothes are ragged. Most notably, he is wearing an eyepatch.
FUTURE GARTH (CONT.)
Something terrible s going to
happen in 2018 and you need to stop
it!
RAY looks up.
RAY
Huh?
FUTURE GARTH
Something terrible is going-
weren’t you listening?
RAY
Not really. I’m pretty drunk.
FUTURE GARTH
Jesus Christ.
FUTURE GARTH takes a look around and a sad realization dawns
on him.
FUTURE GARTH
Oh god. I went too far back. You
guys are still assholes.
ANDY
Hey, shut up. I’m kicking this
guy’s ass in Madden.
FUTURE GARTH (ANGRY)
Madden?!? MADDE- GET A JOB. (beat)
You guys better stop screwing
around because some serious shit is
about to go down and if you’re not
ready-
RAY
Hey, I don’t come back into YOUR
timeline and tell you how to live
YOUR life.
FUTURE GARTH
Shut up, you idiot. You’re the
first one who dies.
ANDY (STILL PLAYING)
If you really are from the future,
prove it. What am I going to do in
the next 20 minutes?
FUTURE GARTH
You’re gonna eat like 2 donuts and
throw up because they don’t mix
with the Chinese food.
ANDY
Whoa. How’d you know about the
Chinese Food?
FUTURE GARTH picks up a container.
FUTURE GARTH
Because you’re LIVING in it.
Haven’t you heard of a garbage can?
The door slams from off-screen. In walks PRESENT GARTH as we
'know him'. His hand is bandaged, This is the same hand on
which FUTURE Garth bears his scar. PRESENT GARTH starts
taking off his jacket.
PRESENT GARTH
Hey. What’s-
PRESENT GARTH finally notices his older, surlier
doppelganger across the room.
PRESENT GARTH
Well, this is new.
FUTURE GARTH
Oh thank God. Past Me!
Someone who will listen!
RAY
He says he’s you from the future
and he has some dire warning about
things to come...yadda yadda yadda.
I didn’t get down all the details.
PRESENT GARTH
Well, that’s...interesting.
FUTURE GARTH
We have a lot to discuss. These
assholes wouldn’t give me the time
of day. (noticing PRESENT Garth’s
wound) Make sure to get that on ice
soon. Don’t worry. I won’t tell
them how you got it. (beat) Anyway,
sit down.
The two GARTHS sit across from one another and FUTURE GARTH
begins his spiel.
FUTURE GARTH
In 2018, something terrible happens
that will affect you all...
The dialogue fades out and we are treated to FUTURE GARTH
explaining things to come with exaggerated hand motions
accompanied by audio of explosions, gunfire and robotic
noises. They display a weird and terrifying future. All the
while, PRESENT GARTH is listening intently. At the trailing
end of the speech, the audio resumes.
FUTURE GARTH
...and that’s why I came back to
enlist your help.
PRESENT GARTH
...uh....huh.
FUTURE GARTH
I know. It’s a lot to take in. So
feel free to ask me questions if
you’re confused.
A beat passes.
PRESENT GARTH
...when did I get so fat?
FUTURE GARTH
What.
PRESENT GARTH
You’re fatter than I expected. I
was hoping for a kind of Tommy
Tune-like physique as I got older.
FUTURE GARTH (ANGRY)
That’s what you’re concerned
about?!? MY WEIGHT? Not the nukes
or the genetically engineered
hellbeasts? (gestures wildly at his
face) Not THE EYE?!?
PRESENT GARTH
To be honest, I wasn’t really
paying attention. Was it those
rainbow cookies? I bet it was the
rainbow cookies. I love those
fuckin things.
FUTURE GARTH glares angrily at his past. Unfazed, PRESENT
GARTH puts his hand on FUTURE GARTH’S knee.
PRESENT GARTH
I’m also a little aroused. (beat)
Is that weird?
FUTURE Garth throws up his hands in defeat.
FUTURE GARTH
That’s it! I’m sick of this shit.
You can all go to hell!
Before he departs, FUTURE GARTH stares at PRESENT GARTH and
points from his remaining eye to PRESENT GARTH’s two good
ones as he slowly backs out of the room.
FUTURE GARTH
Enjoy your depth perception,
jackass.
...he runs into the door jamb.
FUTURE GARTH
Oh, mother fu-RRGH.
FUTURE Garth angrily exits the room.
RAY
See you later!
FUTURE GARTH (O.S.)
Fuck you!
Another three light bursts and he’s gone. The smoke
dissipates. A beat passes.
PRESENT GARTH
What an asshole.
END.
dS-dF 