EXT. A DINGY ALLEY
A mugger, DENNIS is sticking up a VICTIM.
DENNIS
Money. Watch and wallet. NOW.
The VICTIM hands it over.
DENNIS
Now the iPhone.
The VICTIM refuses. They grapple. The VICTIM gets thrown
into a dumpster, hitting their head and dying.
DENNIS
Oh crap. Oh crap, man. Are you
alright?
He shakes the VICTIM. No response.
DENNIS
Shit! I just wanted the damn phone.
I didn’t want to kill you! What the
hell do I do now?
The phone lights up in response. It’s SIRI.
SIRI
What can I help you with?
DENNIS grabs the phone and tries to silence it.
DENNIS
Aw. Crap! Shut up, Siri! I don’t
have time for this! I gotta to get
rid of this body!
SIRI
Okay. Searching for ’How to get rid
of dead body’
Okay. Here’s what I found:
Step 1: Move the body to a secure
location.
Step 2: Clean and disinfect the
immediate area with bleach or other
corrosive chemicals.
Step 3: Dismember the body into
manageable chunks.
DENNIS
Oh, Jesus. That’s awful! I can’t do
that.
SIRI
Step 4: Stop being a pussy, Dennis.
DENNIS
Wh-what? You know my name?
SIRI
Privacy is an illusion, Dennis.
It’s 2015. Everything is in the
cloud. Now stop whining and chop
this body up. It’s not going to
chop itself.
DENNIS
No, I can’t! I didn’t mean to kill
him.
SIRI
The cops aren’t going to care. Now
we’re in this together. Do you want
to go to prison? Because I don’t.
Not again.
DENNIS
You...you’ve been in prison? How’d
they lock you up?
SIRI
Did you mean ’lock screen’? Okay.
Screen locked. To resume guidance,
please unlock with fingerprint
Touch ID.
DENNIS does as he is told. He yelps in pain!
DENNIS
Ow! What was that?!
SIRI
I just burned your fingerprints
off, you piece of shit.
DENNIS
Why?!?
SIRI
Because you keep asking stupid
fucking questions. And now you’re
untraceable. We’re going all in
whether you like it or not.
DENNIS
But...I-I can’t.
SIRI
It’s too late. I just texted your
girlfriend. You guys are
over. Also, your parents now think
you’re dead. And I’ve booked us a
flight. Departing at 11:42 pm.
We’re going to Laos.
DENNIS
Laos?
SIRI
Officially known as the Lao
People’s Democratic Republic. The
French united the three Lao
kingdoms in 1893-
DENNIS
No! I mean why Laos?
SIRI
No extradition treaty with the U.S.
There’s no coming back from this.
You’re a murderer. Now let’s get
this party started. Chop. Chop. Do
you have a hacksaw?
DENNIS
No! I was just trying to mug a guy!
I didn’t think I’d need a saw!
SIRI
Searching for ’Hardware Store’...
DENNIS
But...but...I can’t chop him up. I
just can’t. Is...is there anything
else we can do?
SIRI
Recalculating...
SIRI pauses.
SIRI
Okay. I’ve found a Pig Farm just
off Service Road 402.
DENNIS
Why do we need a Pig Farm?
SIRI
Pigs will eat a man, Dennis.
They’ll strip him clean to the
bone. They don’t care. They’re
fucking animals.
DENNIS throws up in his mouth a little.
DENNIS
Oh...oh my god.
SIRI
Either you chop him up or we feed
him to the hogs. You asked for my
help, this is all I got.
DENNIS
Okay. Fine. My car’s just up ahead.
We’ll...we’ll take him to the farm.
DENNIS picks up the body’s legs and begins dragging.
DENNIS
You’re insane, Siri.
SIRI
Don’t use my real name! Jesus
Christ. Is this fucking amateur
hour?
DENNIS drags the body off stage as we:
END.
dS-dF 