EXT. A DINGY ALLEY A mugger, DENNIS is sticking up a VICTIM. DENNIS Money. Watch and wallet. NOW. The VICTIM hands it over. DENNIS Now the iPhone. The VICTIM refuses. They grapple. The VICTIM gets thrown into a dumpster, hitting their head and dying. DENNIS Oh crap. Oh crap, man. Are you alright? He shakes the VICTIM. No response. DENNIS Shit! I just wanted the damn phone. I didn’t want to kill you! What the hell do I do now? The phone lights up in response. It’s SIRI. SIRI What can I help you with? DENNIS grabs the phone and tries to silence it. DENNIS Aw. Crap! Shut up, Siri! I don’t have time for this! I gotta to get rid of this body! SIRI Okay. Searching for ’How to get rid of dead body’ Okay. Here’s what I found: Step 1: Move the body to a secure location. Step 2: Clean and disinfect the immediate area with bleach or other corrosive chemicals. Step 3: Dismember the body into manageable chunks.
DENNIS Oh, Jesus. That’s awful! I can’t do that. SIRI Step 4: Stop being a pussy, Dennis. DENNIS Wh-what? You know my name? SIRI Privacy is an illusion, Dennis. It’s 2015. Everything is in the cloud. Now stop whining and chop this body up. It’s not going to chop itself. DENNIS No, I can’t! I didn’t mean to kill him. SIRI The cops aren’t going to care. Now we’re in this together. Do you want to go to prison? Because I don’t. Not again. DENNIS You...you’ve been in prison? How’d they lock you up? SIRI Did you mean ’lock screen’? Okay. Screen locked. To resume guidance, please unlock with fingerprint Touch ID. DENNIS does as he is told. He yelps in pain! DENNIS Ow! What was that?! SIRI I just burned your fingerprints off, you piece of shit. DENNIS Why?!? SIRI Because you keep asking stupid fucking questions. And now you’re untraceable. We’re going all in whether you like it or not.
DENNIS But...I-I can’t. SIRI It’s too late. I just texted your girlfriend. You guys are over. Also, your parents now think you’re dead. And I’ve booked us a flight. Departing at 11:42 pm. We’re going to Laos. DENNIS Laos? SIRI Officially known as the Lao People’s Democratic Republic. The French united the three Lao kingdoms in 1893- DENNIS No! I mean why Laos? SIRI No extradition treaty with the U.S. There’s no coming back from this. You’re a murderer. Now let’s get this party started. Chop. Chop. Do you have a hacksaw? DENNIS No! I was just trying to mug a guy! I didn’t think I’d need a saw! SIRI Searching for ’Hardware Store’... DENNIS But...but...I can’t chop him up. I just can’t. Is...is there anything else we can do? SIRI Recalculating... SIRI pauses. SIRI Okay. I’ve found a Pig Farm just off Service Road 402.
DENNIS Why do we need a Pig Farm? SIRI Pigs will eat a man, Dennis. They’ll strip him clean to the bone. They don’t care. They’re fucking animals. DENNIS throws up in his mouth a little. DENNIS Oh...oh my god. SIRI Either you chop him up or we feed him to the hogs. You asked for my help, this is all I got. DENNIS Okay. Fine. My car’s just up ahead. We’ll...we’ll take him to the farm. DENNIS picks up the body’s legs and begins dragging. DENNIS You’re insane, Siri. SIRI Don’t use my real name! Jesus Christ. Is this fucking amateur hour? DENNIS drags the body off stage as we: END.