INT. COFFEE SHOP - MIDDAY
A man, DAVE, is sitting at a small table while gazing into a
half empty cup of black coffee. He is haggard, and clearly
looks like he could use a decent night’s rest. STEPHEN walks
in, in a decidedly chipper mood. He notices DAVE and sits
down in front of him.
STEPHEN
Hey, Dave. It’s been a while!
What’s up?
DAVE
Hey Stephen, how’re you?
A WAITRESS wanders by, STEPHEN grabs her attention.
STEPHEN
Coffee with milk and two sugars
please. Thanks. (turns back to
DAVE) I’m good. Y’know, same old
stuff. Nothing to report.
DAVE (TIRED)
Ah, great. That’s great.
STEPHEN
You, on the other hand, look like a
sack of shit. No offense.
DAVE
Thanks.
STEPHEN
What’s the matter?
DAVE
Well, it’s my pet elephant.
The WAITRESS brings STEPHEN’s coffee. A beat passes.
STEPHEN
...I’m sorry?
DAVE
My pet elephant.
STEPHEN
You have a pet...elephant. In a New
York Apartment...
DAVE (ANGRY)
Yeah, I do, okay?! What’s your
problem?!
STEPHEN (DEFENSIVE, BACKTRACKING)
Nothing! Nothing! It’s just
not...something you hear every day.
DAVE (CALMING DOWN)
Sorry, sorry. I guess it IS kind of
odd. Sorry for lashing out. I’ve
just been on edge for the past few
weeks, on the count of the
elephant.
STEPHEN (TENTATIVELY REPEATING)
Of course...on the count of the
elephant.
Another beat passes. STEPHEN sips his coffee.
STEPHEN
Okay. I’ll bite. What’s the deal
with the elephant? Why’s it in your
apartment?
DAVE
Well, he’s on the younger side, so
he’s not completely unmanageable.
And he’s been potty trained pretty
well, too. He’s a really fun pet.
STEPHEN
Then what’s the problem?
DAVE
He’s been snitching on me.
STEPHEN does a double take, incredulous.
DAVE
It’s my fault, really. I’m the one
who taught him how to play
pictionary.
Another beat passes.
STEPHEN (DEADPAN)
You’re really stretching your
credibility here.
DAVE (GETTING UP ANGRILY)
Listen, I’ve had a shit week, and
if you don’t care about this, I
don’t have to stay here-
DAVE grabs his jacket to go. People are starting to stare.
STEPHEN
Okay, okay. Settle down. It’s
alright. What happened with the
pictionary?
DAVE takes his jacket back off and puts it on his chair. He
sits back down and takes a deep breath before continuing.
DAVE
Well, I thought that teaching him
pictionary would be kinda fun. Like
for a lark. I mean, who ever heard
of an elephant playing pictionary,
right?
STEPHEN (SARCASTIC)
Who indeed?
DAVE
Yeah. It was great for a few
parties, but then things
got...weird. Norman started drawing
things every day.
STEPHEN
Norman?
DAVE
That’s the name of the elephant.
STEPHEN
Naturally.
DAVE
So Norman started off drawing
normal things, pictionary things.
Like Wolves, Space Ships, the JFK
assassination. Stuff like that. But
eventually...he moves on to drawing
pictures of me. And he’s gotten
pretty good at photorealism. So
there’s no doubt that it’s me.
STEPHEN
What’s so bad about that? You’ve
got a talented elephant.
DAVE
Yeah, but they’re pictures of stuff
I don’t need other people seeing.
Me taking a shower, me peeing...me
pooping. (pause) To be fair,
they’re pretty good. He’s got all
my expressions down pat.
STEPHEN
Why’s he always in the bathroom
with you?
DAVE
He’s not. He’s only been in there
with me once.
STEPHEN
Then how does he get all the
details right?
DAVE
He’s a keen observer, and, of
course, elephants never forget.
STEPHEN
That...makes sense.
DAVE
That’s not the worst part, though.
It’d be fine if he were just
drawing these for fun. I could get
rid of them on my own time. But
just last week, my parents were
over and Norman comes trotting in
with a new drawing in his trunk.
STEPHEN (INTERESTED)
...what was it?
DAVE
It was of me...uh...touching
myself.
STEPHEN
Oh. (beat) Well, if it makes you
feel any better, I’m sure your
parents didn’t need an elephant to
tell them about that.
The nearby WAITRESS stops and cocks her head at the phrase.
STEPHEN (TO WAITRESS)
You had to be there.
The WAITRESS shrugs and keeps walking.
DAVE
After my parents left, though,
Norman kept staring at me with this
smug, shit-eating grin on his face.
STEPHEN
Are-can elephants be that
expressive?
DAVE
I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure
that vindictive little shit has it
in for me. He’s also been showing
the pooping pictures to whoever
decides to drop by. Apparently, my
landlord is a fan.
STEPHEN
I’d like to see one of those,
actually.
DAVE
Don’t take his side! This isn’t a
joke! Help me out here, Stephen!
STEPHEN
Why don’t you just get rid of him?
Take him back from where you got
him? Y’know...like the
elephant...ranch...or something.
DAVE
Do you know how hard it is to
transport an animal that size? Have
you even considered how I’d fit him
in a crowded subway?
STEPHEN
No. I don’t know how you’d fit
Norman on a subway.
A large grin slowly spreads across DAVE’s face.
DAVE
Well, you just take the "s" out of
sub and the "f" out of way.
A beat passes and the gears start to turn in STEPHEN’s head.
STEPHEN
There’s no "f" in way. (beat) You
dick! Was that was what this was
all about? A stupid joke?! I
TRUSTED YOU. This has been a
colossal waste of my time!
STEPHEN gets up and grabs his coat.
DAVE
No, wait! I just couldn’t resist!
STEPHEN
Fuck you! This is why we don’t talk
any-
STEPHEN is interrupted by the slamming of the coffee shop
door. A girl, STACY, storms in up to DAVE.
STACY
DAVE! You son of a bitch!
DAVE
Oh, hey baby, what’s up?
STACY
What the fuck is this?
STACY brandishes a piece of paper. On it we see a very
artfully done picture of DAVE having sex with a girl who is
not STACY. The photorealism of the sketch makes this clear.
In the background, the edge of an elephant shaped silhouette
is seen peeking through the doorway.
STEPHEN
That’s it, I’m outta here.
STEPHEN tosses his money on the table and starts to dash
out.
END.
dS-dF 